Hairy Gary

so my ex just got remarried. i guss she's cute and all I mean if you like a woman who has eyes to close together and has deodorant stains all over her clothes.
the one thing that pisses me off more than anything about her and him is that she calls him "Hairy Gary" and he HATES to be called "Hairy Gary" anyway if she and I were alone in a room lets just say I wouldn't mind losing a few of my press ons scratching the hell out of her face.

Party Time

So I gave Misty my slaggy 7 year old a birthday party. A couple of the mom's were VERY uhhhhhhhhgly to me afterwards and one even threatened to call the po po on my ass. I mean hell there the ones who dropped their kids off knowing where we were going. The invitation said

"We're going to the Glitter Factory for Misty's party. Fruit "Leather" and yummy chocolate to taste test will be available. All party favors will come home wrapped in discreet brown paper"

Tracy my friend who hosted the party kept things very tasteful so I don't what the hell their problem was.

gettin healthy

so last night at the truck stop I told the kids they could each get a five finger discount on a drink and Travis my fat ass chumba wumba showed me that he had this 32 oz MONSTER ENERGY drink in his shirt sleeve and I was like "you are so damn unhealthy GO GET YOURSELF A SODA damnit"

kids these days

heart of gold tokens

i sure do love that billy ray. he has been saving up these gold tokens that the flying J gives so that truckers can have showers. well it cost $1 for 4 tokens and that gives you a 2 min shower for 2 tokens each time. well you also can trade in tokens for all sorts of stuff like potoe logs and lap dances. so billy ray has been only takin 2 min showers for the last couple of weeks and saving his remainden tokens up for a present for me. it was such a suprize

he said
kim you are my idian angel from above

and then he gave me this



and i mite have teared up a little

Registered

i called gary my sorry asscuse of an ex who is baby girls daddy. well at least as far as i know he is. but it could have been his nephiew.

so I was like

gary whats your new celly number?

and he was like

307-777-8781

and i was like Kewl

so then a couple of days later I got real DRUNK and drunk dialed gary so I could tell him some feelings I still had about him and how I was sorry that I ran over his bart simpson lawn ornment 2 weeks ago.

so it rang
and then this femal robot voice came on and it was like

"HELLO"

and I was like "wazzz up"

and then it said

"STATE YOUR NAME"

and so I sed

"Kimberlie Bald Eagle Lewis"

and it was like

"PLEASE ENTER YOUR 10 DIGIT TELEPHONE NUMBER FOLLOWED BY THE # SIGN"

so i did

then it sed

"PLEASE ENTER YOUR ZIP CODE FOLLOWED BY THE # SIGN"

and so i did

and then it said

"THANK YOU. YOU ARE NOW REGISTERED AS A SEX OFFENDER IN THE STATE OF WYOMING. HAVE A GREAT DAY"




gary is such a basturd.

puttin her in her place

my mom called today and said "i think billy ray is a bad dude" and i was like "thank you" and she was like "I didn't mean that as a compliment" and I was like "mom you can just go to hell cuz I know he's not. i mean where do you think he's at right now?" and she was like "probably some smoke shop" and I was like "well that answer just proved your so ignert cuz guess what..... right now he's performing community service. so there"
that got her good.

how i got my name

32 years ago my mom was riding on the back of a guy's harley having a helluva good time celebratin America's birthday then her water broke well sure enough the dude got so pissed that "baby marinade" got all over his hog he up and left her on the side of the road.

then a bald eagle sored over her head and I crowned and then the bald eagle tried to swoop down and get me because I was so beautiful and small and I'm pretty sure that it wanted to take me to back to its nest and raze me. but that didn't happen but my mom took it as a sign that I would be special so thats why she named me what she did so it would be all symbolic and shit. so thats why my name is Kimberlie Bald Eagle Lewis.

it was a good day for my mom since i'm her pride & joy. well except for it being the last time she saw my dad. that kind of sucked balls i bet.